2.21.2009

Translations of Maryland Traffic Signs Back Into English



Drivers who are new to Maryland may be confused by the awkward traffic conventions and surprising meanings of commonly seen traffic signs and signals. The following guide is designed to help visitors and new residents acclimate to Maryland's unique traffic conditions and considerations.

Below, you'll find the actual text of Maryland traffic signs, followed by their actual English translations directly beneath them:

Lane Ends in 500 feet
In 499 feet, suddenly jolt into the lane next to you in order to narrowly avoid walls or parked cars.

Traffic from Left Does Not Stop
Traffic from the left will not only stop, it will likely wait until you begin to move, crash into you, and halt all traffic altogether.

Stop
Coast on through! Preferably while talking on your cell phone.

Stop (All Ways)
Everyone should stop and then wave frantically at each other to go without actually moving until one person finally takes their foot off their brake slightly, at which point everyone should creep into the intersection until traffic is completely blocked. Then call the police.

This Lane Left Turn Only
Some people will turn left from this lane, but if you change your mind, you should swerve immediately into the lane to your right.

Slow Traffic Keep Right
Traffic in leftmost lane should maintain the lowest speed; please keep the right lane clear of traffic at all times.

Speed Limit 65
Do not maintain a consistent speed. Speed up and slow down at irregular intervals.

No Parking
Don't park here, but feel free to idle, flash your hazards, roll back and forth, and tap your brake lights while you pretend not to be parking.

No Parking 8 am - 6 pm
You will be ticketed at 8:00:01 am.

One Way
Pick a way, and then go only that way.

Capital Beltway: Left Lanes
Keep left for parking lot.

Green traffic signal
Wait ten seconds, then proceed.

Red traffic signal
At some point, consider stopping.

Yellow traffic signal
Zip on through, and we recommend you honk or give the finger to anyone in your way.

No Turn On Red>
Make half of your turn, then stop when you realize you can't turn on red, then hover awkwardly in the intersection in the face of oncoming traffic. A honking car will then signal you to complete your turn.

2 comments:

  1. HAHAHA.
    These are a hoot. Better than "Slow Children / Crossing", or "No Shoulder Driving" or "Caution: Water on Road During Rain" (one we have in Seattle).

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  2. Charlie, you are so right. My mother and father were complaining about Maryland drivers 40 years ago. Not as bad as Massachusetts, but more clueless.

    Good seeing you and Beau at AWP. I hope you guys had a fine time.
    David

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