12.07.2007

Top Ten Reasons I Hate Pennsylvania in December

Think deer season.

1. Imagine, if you can, a (mostly) undereducated host of men in neon orange vests and camo. The outfits alone are enough to make me gag.

In case you need a visual. Oooh, he almost makes me want to go bear hunting. Grrr, honey.

2. Now, give them guns and tell them to shoot fer Bambi. They say "fer" up here.

3. Also, "y'ins," and "y'uns." That's plural for "I'm a jackass."

(I google-imaged "yins")

4. "Pennsylvania is just a state that gets in your way when you want to go somewhere." -- Jackie-O Pascal, Parker Posey's character in The House of Yes.


5. Deer entrails by the side of the road. I guess I'm lucky: at least I don't live near deer-gut dumping grounds.

6. Two weeks ago, a deer running for its life plowed into my car. It hit the front passenger side, forcing me into the oncoming lane. Thankfully (?) I drive to work on a rural road that connects West Virginia and Pennsylvania, and no one was driving east. The deer flipped up onto the hood and then deflected or bounced or maybe even piroutted off of my car. The deer was fine. My car's funeral is next week (followed, hopefully, by the resurrection).

The feeling of the impact: like a wrecking ball of muscle hit the side of my car and swung it effortlessly to the end of its path. Like being sucker-punched by the hand of God. I can still feel the animal's velocity in my body.

7. People keep saying, "Oh, you hit a deer." No, bitches. The deer hit me. Here's your orange vest.





8. The people at the collision center, who are fixing my car, keep saying, "Oh, it's a very common occurrence." The hell it is, I thought. But now, it seems everyone I tell has an aunt who once mowed down a buck on her John Deer tractor. The sighs at the end of the stories make me think that poor Aunt Shirley never was the same.

9. The guy who wanted to be excused from class so he could go deer hunting.



10. The guy who offered me deer steak for extra credit. When I said I don't eat red meat, he said, "It's not red meat, it's deer."

Lest you all think I'm a negative nelly, I'll say some nice things about PA, the birthplace of freedom: the snow delights me (I grew up in South Florida), the Andy Warhol museum rocks, Philadelphia doesn't suck, the confluence of rivers in Pittsburgh is beautiful, and the air near Hershey, PA is redolent of chocolate. There, now I'm a negative butch.

But don't get me started on West Virginia, babysitter precious. We could be here for hours.

5 comments:

  1. yeah PA is a big state that gets in the way of my Ohio to NY travel. i always have to stop somewhere along the pay-as-you-go road at one of the few places they let build there on that long road. for lunch options: McD's, Fuel Store, Starbucks.

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  2. Oh start on WV. By all means, I'll help.

    I left work the other morning and found dead deer hanging from a playground swing set, their respective killers standing around yucking it up.

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  3. This is hilarious: "People keep saying, "Oh, you hit a deer." No, bitches. The deer hit me."

    I used to work for an insurance company doing data entry on small claims. I always laughed when people filled out their reports with "Deer ran into car"--I thought they were trying to make sure their premiums wouldn't go up, but I guess they were just telling the truth.

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  4. Ha! I live in rural PA and at my High School we get the first day of deer season off every year... I think that's ridiculous, also, allot of kids (and teachers) miss school to go "hunt'n". Also, I think this is the only state where we refer to the state by it's two letter abbreviation, "Where are you from?" "Oh I'm from PA, where we warsh our clothes, and boy do we love dear jerkey!" I don't know about the rest of PA, but here where I live, there's is an abundance of antisemitism! 'Jew' is one of the most popular derogatory terms. Sad, sad, sad.
    Nice post.

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  5. I have to say that I can't disagree at all with your statements, only that I can add to them.

    I have actually heard of central PA being somewhat kindred of some of our less educated southern states. The result of which was me going "enh not surprising."

    As for other reasons it sucks:
    -Road work dragged out for years and years on the same roads, when large quantities of it could be done in a summer.

    -To many people are closed minded, we even have people that seem to think global warming is a joke or conspiracy. I'm sure the ice shelves in the Antarctic would be much happier if it was just a joke.

    -Weather. It is like Central PA gets a plethora of weather types from across the country. Hot and humid, snowy, cold and shitty, and you cannot forget rain as its our number one most occurring weather. We also get bless with weather that cannot decide what it is, is it hot or cold, why not both.... A nice day,crispy 92 degrees and humid like an island in the Caribbean and the next chilled like a fall day in Maine.

    -Too many conservatives in general that are really uneducated and uninformed of what really is going on. I do not mind when someone bases their choices on actual information, but around here people base their ideals on something they saw on a sign on the side of the highway or something. I cannot even get any one of them I talk to into having an intellegent conversation about why they have their opinions as they do and what could be done to fix whatever they are against. The most frequent answers are something around like "I'm just going to pass out some lame ass answer because I don't know what I really think, but someone told me this is what I should think so I do"

    -Traffic.

    -Style, its a rarity.

    -Rednecks listening to rap while sporting the Confederate flag.

    -Winter

    -The complete lack of entertainment unless your going to drive to the southern regions of the state.

    -Education, the school systems seem to be sub-par to the majority of the country.

    I am certian there are more things I could add but this is too long as it is. So I end my rant here.

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