Gracious thanks to Matthew Thorburn for linking to this and restoring my ability to laugh out loud:

The Fives

Some favorites so far:

Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”
your sideboard
your clergyman
your thoughts on transubstantiation
your hypothalamus
your ranch dressing mix

Five terrible fake reality TV shows
Thoracic Surgery With the Stars
Track, Destroy, and Consume Your New Mom
Mormon Idol
Survivor: Leaky Hot Air Balloon
Gastroenterologist 911

Five things you might do with “all that ass”
open a modest home ass business
serve hot meals of ass to the less fortunate
hold a weekend “Ass Sale” on your lawn
make colorful ass gift bags for the holidays
give sympathetic testimony for recovering hump drunks


  1. I misread the third-to-last line as “hold a wicked ‘Ass Sale’ on your lawn." I was all ready to hop in my car and go check out the wicked asses because, of course, I am in the market for an upgrade. If I had a wicked ass, just think of the power I would wield.

  2. Track, Destroy, and Consume Your New Mom

    Why does Monty Python come to mind...?

    Oh, yeah

    "...Undertaker: (over his shoulder) FRED!
    Fred: (offstage) Yea!
    Undertaker: I THINK WE'VE GOT AN EATER!

  3. I can't go to that site without wasting hours and hours.

  4. Haha! Yes, I first saw this site at work and it was all I could do not to create a disturbance with my laughing at the "Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”" list.

  5. glad you guys got a kick out of it. i wish i came up with the idea myself!