6.05.2007

Vegas Index in the Style of Harper's

Total money lost in slot machines: $80.00
Percentage of this lost in penny slot machines: 75%
Total money won in slot machines: $40.00

Chance that a meal was eaten at a fast-food establishment: 1 in 2
Chance that a meal was a buffet: 1 in 10
Chance that a meal was simply just overzealously enjoying a catered hors d'oeuvres reception: 1 in 3

Number of men who showed me their wang: 2
Minimum number of times this occurred in a steam room: 1
Minimum number of times this occurred in a men's restroom: 1
Chance that the wang-shower was a conference attendee: 1 in 2
Number of wang-showings that were solicited: 0
Percentage change in the number of unsolicited wang-showings that have occurred in my life: +200%

Number of times the drunk woman next to me on the airplane bumped me: 7
Number of times she dropped the f-bomb: 12
Number of times the f-bomb was in reference to the airplane or the flight: 10
Minutes of constant complaining she engaged in as we taxied for take-off: 25
Number of anti-gay slurs she made before take-off: 1
Seconds it took her after the anti-gay statement to turn to me and say, "I don't know if you're gay or whatever, but no offense.": 2
Number of times her significantly older husband encouraged her to "take a chill pill": 2
Number of chill pills she actually took: 0

6 comments:

  1. hard to tell if you actually enjoyd Vegas. it's quite a trip. I leave on fri for a week there.

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  2. Sounds like you were on the plane with my mom.

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  3. Charlie: Welcome back.
    This post is too funny!
    RE: the homophobe drunk woman on the plane: you should have showed her your wang, and/or barfed on her.

    xop

    ReplyDelete
  4. My first University job involved Wang input.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The real question is did you show your wang to anyone and, if so, who?

    ReplyDelete
  6. OMG, this made me pee my pants.

    I only saw one wang in Vegas, and it was solicited.

    ReplyDelete